The 10 Commandments of Clean Communication

We can agree that relations are built on communication (plus other things but communication is essential). It is an important factor in fostering and maintaining relationships. You meet someone, the first thing you do is communicate with them. It’s may be easier than before now with the help of social media, but that’s a different story. We are getting a point where we don’t even talk to people face to face anymore knowing the fact that we can just slide into a DM. Why is that?

Anyway, the art of communicating with one’s significant other in a healthy, positive way is something rarely taught to either men or women. As a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship. Angry fighting leads to distance and weakens intimacy. Yelling, sarcasm, insults, and name-calling undermine trust. This kind of pejorative communication creates defensiveness and alienation, which makes it nearly impossible for a couple to address their issues together. What starts as a conversation escalates into a fight in which the original issue gets forgotten, you lose track of what you’re even yelling about, and nothing gets resolved.

Here are the 10 Commandments of Clean Communication brought to you by The Art of Manliness everyone needs to at least consider using to avoid the unnecessary.

1. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms.

“You’re acting so childish right now.”
“Oh boo-hoo. I’m tired of your perpetual ‘poor me’ attitude.”
“Maybe if you were more of a man, you’d be able to handle this.”
“You’d probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it.”
When you’re having a heated argument with your significant other, it can be very tempting to level a real zinger at them – to use words and putdowns you know will wound them and push their buttons. Such zingers aim to point our their flaws and tear down their worth. They accomplish this mission – but at the expense of trust and intimacy.

2. Avoid “global” labels.

There are two ways to criticize someone – you can critique their character or their behavior. In criticizing behavior, you’re calling out something specific and temporary – something the person can realistically change. But in assailing someone’s very identity, you’re issuing a global label – a blanket condemnation of who they are at the core; they don’t just do bad stuff, they are a bad person…

3. Avoid “you” messages of blame and accusation.

…When people slight us, it may be true that they are entirely, or almost entirely, to blame. But when you lead with that blame, the instigator will instantly erect walls of defensiveness that will make working through the issue together impossible. This doesn’t mean you have to pretend your significant other is not at fault when they are, it just means you use language that says the same thing in a different way – couching your message so that it actually has a chance to surmount their psychological walls and reach their brain.

4. Avoid old history.

“You’re just being ungrateful like always. Remember when I spent all weekend cleaning the house before your folks arrived and you never even said thank you?”
“You don’t trust me? At least I’m not the one who cheated last year.”
“It’s always the same damned thing with you. You’re sorry about spending too much on the couch, just like you were sorry for going over budget on the kitchen remodel, and sorry for spending so much on the dress for our wedding…”

Resurrecting old beef will ratchet up the intensity of your discussion, and will invariably send it off in a different direction and away from resolving the original issue. Plus, your partner will likely be hurt that you’re still holding onto something she thought you’d forgiven her for, and you both will feel like your relationship isn’t progressing. It’s hard to move forward if you keep rehashing the past; instead, let sleeping dogs lie.

5. Avoid negative comparisons.

“You’re so irrational, just like your mom.”
“None of my exes were ever as clingy as you are.”
“Why can’t you be more fun like Derek’s girlfriend is?”
Being compared negatively to someone else sure can sting. We oftentimes want to think we’ve evolved past the flaws of our parents, so to hear “you’re just like your dad” feels like a punch to the gut. So too, our identities are very much based on comparing ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we love to say we don’t stack up to them cuts at our sense of worth. Making negative comparisons also tells your partner that you’ve been thinking about someone else, and how that other person measures up to her, which can provoke hurt feelings and jealousy.

6. Avoid threats.

“If you’re going to act like that, then I’m not going with you to your parents’ house this weekend.”
“If you can’t get your act together, then maybe we should get a divorce.”
“If you don’t want to be more adventurous in bed, I can find plenty of other women who are willing to be.”

There is a place for quasi-ultimatums in a relationship, but they come after you’ve completely exhausted every attempt to communicate and compromise about the problem in a positive way. Too often people resort to a threat as an easy way to rensolve things, and will even drop the D word to scare their spouse into compliance.

A “or else” statement shouldn’t be thrown around, and it shouldn’t be punitive. That is if your partner is unwilling to meet your needs, create a plan to meet those needs yourself, but don’t do so in a way that’s specifically designed to punish your partner. So for example, if you want to spend more time with friends, but your significant other won’t budge on giving her blessing, you might say, “I’m going to start spending every Saturday morning with them,” and then follow through on that action. A punitive ultimatum, on the other hand, would be something like deciding to skip out on a concert you agreed to attend with her, in order to do something with your buddies.

Your partner may come to accept the implementation of your ultimatum or it may drive a wedge in your relationship. If the latter, it may spell the end; clean communication offers the best possible chance of relationship success but doesn’t guarantee it if you just aren’t right for each other.

7. Describe your feelings rather than attack with them.

Your demeanor can truly be wielded like a weapon. When we raise our voice, withdraw into cold hostility, adopt a sneering tone, or employ biting sarcasm, we can wound those we love. Especially when it comes to communicating with women, you would be surprised how a cutting tone of voice can make them feel almost physically hurt. Instead, do your best to keep your voice level and calm.

“I feel disrespected when you make jokes at my expense when we’re out with your friends.”
“I feel jealous when I see you texting your ex.”
“I feel hurt when you ignore me when I come home from work.”

8. Keep body language open and receptive.

Even more than what we say, our body language conveys how we’re actually feeling. You may tell your significant other that you’re not angry and are willing to talk things through, but if your posture and facial expressions say otherwise, they will assuredly pick up on it. They’ll also likely match your defensive stance, and the discussion will get off to a rocky start.

To keep things amicable, adopt an open, rather than closed posture. Folding your arms, tensing your jaw, squinting, looking disgusted, balling up your fists, fidgeting in an irritated way, and rolling your eyes are all behaviors that make you seem closed off, hostile, and unwilling to communicate. Create sincere, inviting body language by relaxing your face, making warm eye contact, leaning forward, keeping your arms uncrossed, and nodding to show you’re listening.

9. Use whole messages.

Oftentimes, you may think you’re getting your message across to your significant other, but the result is a big miscommunication. They hear something much different than you intended. What we say makes total sense to us, because we have the entire context of it in our heads. But what actually comes out of our mouths may only be a slice of that bigger picture – a partial fragment that is then misconstrued by our partner.

Here’s an example of a whole message:

“We haven’t been spending as much time together [Observation]. It seems like you’ve been busier, and I don’t know if that’s just because your classes are hard this semester or you just haven’t been as interested in hanging out [Thoughts]. I’ve been feeling distant from you and confused about the status of our relationship [Feelings]. I’d like for us to be more committed as a couple and to know what you think about the future of our relationship [Needs].”

10. Use clear messages.

Just as a partial message can be misconstrued, so too can a “contaminated” message. This occurs when you mix some of the 4 elements together or “mislabel” them in order to disguise your real intent. Your partner might say, “Hmmm, that’s an interesting way to do it,” when they really mean, “You’re doing it wrong.” Or for example, you might say to your wife, “And here you are finally, late as usual.” You’re pretending to make a straightforward observation, but you’re really mixing in your judgments, thoughts, and feelings. It would be better to say, “I’ve been waiting here for 20 minutes. It seems like you struggle to be on time. When I’m left waiting I end up feeling frustrated and disrespected. Do you think you could make more of an effort to be on time?

Muddy messages create distance and contention in a relationship. Your partner either will not be sure what you’re driving at or will take umbrage at your not simply saying what you mean. Give it to ‘em straight, and give it to ‘em cleanly.

Don’t argue or seriously communicate over text message. Things get misconstrued all the time through text. It can make the situation worst. Call your significant other if you’re ever in this position. It works out best for the both of you. You start dying when you stop dreaming.

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